I must confess that anxiety causes me to fixate on certain things. Whether it be a big social gathering coming up or any type of routine medical procedure. The longer the wait from said event, the more I work myself into an anxious frenzy. While I painstakingly count down the days, I become overwrought with panic.
In the days leading up to the thing, I find focusing on anything else to be an arduous task.
Anxiety has a way of perpetuating catastrophic thinking. Normal life events propel me into a recurrent cycle of non-stop rumination.
I get seriously stuck.
Before I know it this thing that has caused me so much worry begins to take on a life of its own. This thing quickly obliterates my ability to seek any enjoyment, and it leaves me with a constant sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. My loved ones reassure me that this too will pass, but their words fall onto deaf ears. I am in too deep, immersed in the negative self-talk that I vow to silence.
But I can’t. Not today. Maybe tomorrow when this thing is over. And there I go again round and round.
Fear. Worry. Rumination. Exhaustion. Indifference.
Well, here I am in the exhaustion phase of the worry wheel. This time my thing has been my eye surgery. Today after months of worry and endless nights of fitful sleeping, I am ready. I am worn out from worrying, and I am nearing indifference.